Jesus and Satan bump into one another in the afterlife and get talking about current trends on Earth. After debating the pro's and cons of social media they stumble into an an argument as to who would make the better blogger.
This goes on for quite some time until they come to an agreement to hold a contest on Earth with God as judge. Eager to get started and with an plethora of posts to pre-scedule from an eternity of existence they buy two identical servers, two identical laptops, sign up to the same service provider and get to work.
Their work goes on for the best part of a month. The Devil prepares an incredible 666 posts a day but Jesus manages to keep pace typing just 2 text posts and 5 photo posts, somehow this made 5000 posts in total every 4 days!
God could see both were neck and neck in quantity and quality of content approaching the end of the month. The contest was almost at it's end and they were so close to clicking the publish button they could feel the souls swarming to subscribe... but then suddenly, with no warning, they both recieved the blue screen of death! It was so close to the end that in the very next moment God announced that the contest was over.
God being merciful decided to bring the unrepairable laptops back to life but had to reformat the hard drive to do so. He then asked Satan to show his work. Fuelled with 'Blue screen of death' rage, Satan tries to connect to the server to pull back his 20,000 posts but it won't ping. He wailed: “God, I have nothing, the puny server has been compromised, not even the guts of a post, it's all gone.”
“That is unfortunate,” says God and then he turns and asks ”do you have anything Jesus?".
Jesus knowing the server has gone to binary heaven plugs in a dongle, makes a few clicks and presses a few keys, the internet signal bar turns green, he connects to his remote backup service and the greatest blog post that the world has ever known springs into view.
Satan cannot believe what he is seeing. Ravaged with fury he demands to know what just happened. "I lost it all, Jesus should have lost it all too".
Knowing God would not cheat him but also knowing he would not lie to him, he puts the question to his creator.
"How did he do it?”
God LOLs loudly, “Don't you know… Jesus saves.”
And now you know why Jesus has more followers.
(Sorry, I couldn't help myself!)
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Sunday, 17 October 2010
The Tropical Ravine and revisiting the Ulster Museum.
On Saturday we had a free afternoon so we made the most of it and headed on down to the Tropical Ravine in Belfast's Botanic Gardens and paid another visit to the Ulster Museum now that Sean Scully's 'art' has been removed from the walls after our previous visit to the Ulster Museum and criticism of Scully's work. We were not the only ones taking in the Museum: Nelson McCausland, the Northern Irish Minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure was also viewing the works on show.We began singing our way out of our rented house with a rendition of Spandau Ballet's “True” (best not to ask) and made our way to the bus stop, a bus wasn't far off and once in town we walked from the City Hall up past Queens University to Botanic Gardens.
It was around 2.30 so we quickly got a bite to eat in the Ulster Museum café. If anything the prices have gone up - a solid meal from the café menu today will now set you back £7.50 (approx $12) but I went with the Mushroom Soup and bread at £3.50 ($5.60) which was nice but a little too salty for my taste. Can't complain too much though - entrance to the museum is free which has for almost the last decade been one of the best things about heading to the UK.
Once fed, we headed to the Tropical Ravine in the Botanic Gardens. I'd never been in it and was expecting something like the Roundhay Park's Tropical World in Leeds. It was a little like it though a lot smaller and only has Koy Carp and Plants. The plants as you'd expect from a Tropical Ravine are tropical species and although it's only a rectangular walk on a raised platform in the canopy of the plants, for free its well worth a quick walk around. Here are a couple of photos of the flora on show today:
From our tropical wander, we made our way into the Ulster Museum, gave a small donation then made the best decision we've ever made in a museum - we got the lift to the top and went somewhat backwards through the exhibits and galleries. This wasn't just a mad idea born on the spur of the moment, this was using gravity to our advantage and making looking around the trip that little more enjoyable as walking down 5 flights of exhibits is a lot less demanding than walking up 5 flights of exhibits.
So from the top down, we were this time starting off in the section of the museum which spoiled our last trip - the Art Galleries. This time however, several huge rooms of simplistic repetition had been replaced by several galleries of diverse artworks. A brilliant change of scene which provided not only painted art but also sculptured small objects to enjoy.
The art on display was an eclectic mix. The first thing we came across was a mix of glasswares and crockery. Some was a bit random but others like a fish-like vase of brown and blue were quite exquisite. Following this we created our own little art works in the kids Art Interactive Area where we created some thumb print creations. Mine was a woodlouse on its back. In the next rooms were framed pieces ranging from traditional oil paints of local scenes to pencil drawn portraits, from colourful fantasy art to framed photographs. This room led onto a room of fashion featuring dresses, shoes, bags and jewellery from some famous names.
The rest of the Art Gallery section was populated with traditional art works largely from the 18th and 19th century. This part of the gallery was where we happened to come across Nelson McCausland and I presume his wife. For those who don't know who Nelson McCausland is, he is a DUP politician who is a Minister in the Northern Irish Assembly. Since we were at the recording of a BBC TV debate last year where I described he and his fellow politicians' performances as only going so far as to “re-enforce my doubt in the usefulness of a political system dominated by polarised viewpoints”, since then he has become famous for his request for this very same Museum to display creationist and anti-evolutionary material. On that subject I have to say I pretty much agree with the article by Malachi O'Doherty on the Belfast telegraph website basically saying, in other words, that if he wants to be the fundamentalist who put unsubstantiated fairy tales into our national museum, let him. Putting his unsubstantiated views under scrutiny will only reinforce the fact that those ideas are only one of an infinite number of science fiction ideas, a genre he should maybe read more of? He is also well known for his controversial views on seemingly pretty much anything beginning with GA... such as Gays and GAA. You may be able to tell, I'm not a fan of Mr McCausland.
Back in the room and there he was, spending a little time at the paintings in the largest gallery, looking at the fine art from scenes of religious iconography to a female nude, yes a female nude, not a male nude. There was a male nude in the previous gallery but we don't know if he took time to appreciated that work of art or not. I just want to make sure I don't give the impression he may have admired the male form at any point because obviously I wouldn't want to infringe on his point of view.
Thankfully for us, we only had to share the room for a few minutes with the Minister who wants the museum to “reflect the views of all the people in Northern Ireland”. Due to his comments I do wonder when the 'Jedward are God', 'an outline to the Jedi belief system' and 'Satan is the head of the Church' exhibitions are opening alongside the proposed creationism displays.
Oddly his presence wasn't infringing on our enjoyment of the art. Being in the same room as him instead added something. Pointing out the humour in the works to one another subtly with him in ear shot made it a fun challenge. We were the naughty school children at the back of the class.
Leaving the guy to his afternoon, we took in a slightly surreal media exhibit created by Turner Prize finalist Willie Doherty called Ghost Story. It featured a path, a few bushes, a motorway underpass, an eye and a guy who needs to either get over it or take some Prozac but at least it made more sense than the Sean Scully video that was shown in the room before.
The rest of the museum was pretty much identical to before and I once again enjoyed the geological section. This time I took a fancy to Azurite, blueness! There is a nice example in the dark area lit up and sparking in all its blue finery but there is also an Irish sample in one of the draws with the fossils and other geological period rocks and minerals. Do open those draws up if you get chance, they're internally lit but no one ever seems to touch them even though they are there to be looked at. Though the museum was on its countdown to closing, we managed to quickly call into the History Interactive Area and pencil rubbed a tracing of our names in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs:
Simon in hieroglyphs
We made it out of the door before the doors shut and made our way home via crunching through some crisp Autumn leaves and sampling a Vanilla Rooibos.
The Ulster Museum is certainly a great place to visit and whilst there it's worth calling into the Tropical Ravine. As far as something free to do in Belfast goes you can't go too far wrong.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Making a meal of it
I didn't buy in enough fresh food and the only meat in the house needed to be defrosted. There was only one thing for it - a cupboard special. The ingredients: Rice (Water and Chilli Extra Vigin Olive Oil), Chickpeas, Tinned Mackerel in Tomato Sauce and a jar of generic supermarket Rogan Josh curry sauce.
First up I put the water onto boil for 5 minutes, once bubbling added the Basmati Rice with some of the Chilli Olive Oil stirred, turned down to a low heat and set the oven timer for 5 minutes.
With the timer beeping at me I came back to it. It was time to open the tins, the electric tin opener made light work of the pre soaked Chickpeas tin. It was then time to lift the ring-pull on the top of the Scottish Mackerel in Tomato Sauce tin and peel back.
Ring-pull lifted... pulled back, the ring-pull started to break the seal of the tin, the ring-pull came back with my arm.
Not deterred by this 'crazy man vs can' event ending in an away win to the can, I begun the rematch immediately. The electric tin opener didn't work, it got stuck after about 2cm due to the groove in the can. No hand held tin opener to be found due to the old one going rusty and never working anyway due to its mega blunt cheapness I reverted back to the stone age. Sadly all the rolling pin actually did was spurt tomato sauce through the little holes I'd managed to inflict on the tin and splat me and the kitchen surfaces with fishy smelling oily fluids.
Turns out a standard fork as a ring-pull replacement is the efficient way to get into the nom'y goodness inside of container of this nature.
The Mackerel went in the pan with a little more Chilli Olive Oil followed by the Chickpeas and sauce and at that point it was starting to look like an actual meal. Well an actual meal that looks a little like sick. Saying that it's probably looking more appetising in the pan than the last meal I blogged about.
10 minutes later... Voilà! Mackerel and Chickpea Curry with Basmati Rice. I think it turned out looking OK and tasting pretty nice in the end. No bones or metal shards to be found... well, yet. Shame I didn't have a Naan Bread handy.
First up I put the water onto boil for 5 minutes, once bubbling added the Basmati Rice with some of the Chilli Olive Oil stirred, turned down to a low heat and set the oven timer for 5 minutes.
With the timer beeping at me I came back to it. It was time to open the tins, the electric tin opener made light work of the pre soaked Chickpeas tin. It was then time to lift the ring-pull on the top of the Scottish Mackerel in Tomato Sauce tin and peel back.
Ring-pull lifted... pulled back, the ring-pull started to break the seal of the tin, the ring-pull came back with my arm.
Ah pants. Tinned Mackerel fail.
Not deterred by this 'crazy man vs can' event ending in an away win to the can, I begun the rematch immediately. The electric tin opener didn't work, it got stuck after about 2cm due to the groove in the can. No hand held tin opener to be found due to the old one going rusty and never working anyway due to its mega blunt cheapness I reverted back to the stone age. Sadly all the rolling pin actually did was spurt tomato sauce through the little holes I'd managed to inflict on the tin and splat me and the kitchen surfaces with fishy smelling oily fluids.
Turns out a standard fork as a ring-pull replacement is the efficient way to get into the nom'y goodness inside of container of this nature.
Victory!
The Mackerel went in the pan with a little more Chilli Olive Oil followed by the Chickpeas and sauce and at that point it was starting to look like an actual meal. Well an actual meal that looks a little like sick. Saying that it's probably looking more appetising in the pan than the last meal I blogged about.
10 minutes later... Voilà! Mackerel and Chickpea Curry with Basmati Rice. I think it turned out looking OK and tasting pretty nice in the end. No bones or metal shards to be found... well, yet. Shame I didn't have a Naan Bread handy.
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