Bus Etiquette

After far too many uncomfortable bus rides, I bring you this list. We all know the basics, don't push and give up your seat up to the old, pregnant and infirm. However it seems many, especially the younger and older generations are forgetting a few basic common courtesies. So to anyone old enough to own and handle a mobile phone I implore you to adopt the following 20 point guide to bus etiquette to ensure a nice journey for everyone concerned:

1) If the bus is half empty, please don't sit next to someone sat by themselves unless you know them, especially if you are a smoker or haven't washed in 5 days.

2) Not everyone wants to know what you did last night-like or what you discovered from the gynaecologist, if you're talking on your mobile phone, consider what you're telling the bus as well as your mate on the phone.

3) If you have earphones that aren't noise-cancelling consider that we can hear your grunge, trance and gangster rap at 8am and really, most of us don't want to... we don't want to as much as you don't want to listen to your grandma's favourite Daniel O'Donnell songs.

4) Playing voice synthesized music or any music from your mobile phone so that everyone around you or even the whole bus can hear... is not cool.

5) Signing along (loudly and badly) to said media player 'music' is obscure and we're not thinking 'wow she can sing' or 'how cool', we're thinking WTF-LMAO-OMG and wondering if we should call social services because you have no self awareness or shame.

6) Although maybe uncomfortable, talking to a stranger or being sociable (as long as both parties seem comfortable with it) is fine BUT preaching to the person next to you and giving them leaflets for your church is crossing the line.

7) Remove feet from seats if someone is looking to sit on it and if you've wet or dirty shoes please don't do it in the first place.

8) Food and drink is fine but try to take your rubbish off the bus with you.

9) If the bus is pretty empty, please don't sit on the seats right behind someone, sitting on a bus isn't an excuse to loiter in someone's blind spot and whilst behind someone don't repeatedly knee the seat in front.

10) Could bus drivers please consider that some passengers don't have reflexes of a fly or the balance of a seal. When we get on, accelerating before we're 2 feet from the ticket machine and have our hands full doesn't necessarily speed up the seating process even if we do fly down the bus at a higher speed.

11) Please consider that not everyone wants to rub themselves against your backside to get on or off the bus. If there are seats free, please use them.

12) If it's busy don't hog the whole pole, we're all in this together, if I fall, I'll bring you down with me anyway should I happen to fall your direction because I'll have no choice.

13) If you know it's going to take you a while to obtain your ticket (say if you've only a note, need to find if it's the right bus or don't have your pass to hand, please consider letting other passengers go before you, especially if its inclement weather.

14) Please don't assume other passengers on the opposite deck of the bus will provide free child care for your kids.

15) Sneezing and holding onto something without wiping your hands is considered unhygienic, scratching your genitals and holding onto the pole is considered gross.

16) If you're going to people watch or stare, please use the windows. Directly staring strangers out is not good crack.

17) Sitting on the isle seat when the bus is busy is just rude unless you have some good reason, not wanting to sit next to strangers isn't good enough on public transport, they've technically paid to use the seat your bag is using - unless of course 1) overrides the scenario.

18) Using the seat in front as a hand-rest feels awkward for the person in front. Unless it's a rough ride, consider the fact you're not on a roller-coaster. Please only use the seat in front sparingly for support. Having strangers touch your shoulders, neck or head without permission or reason is weird.

19) Try to keep the bus in one piece. If you burn it, smash it and just generally trash it it's only tomorrows bus ride you're making that little bit worse. If you smash your own windows at home and pull your sofa apart seek psychiatric help.

20) Any other activity which invades someone else's personal space is generally frowned upon, especially if it involves anything near the face or groin, even worse if that anything IS their face or groin near your face or groin.

Commuting - Northern Irish style.

Walking through Belfast City centre or sitting on the bus before and after work, it seems to be the time when things, well... just happen.

I'll try to set the scene. Bleary eyed or just tired from work, I venture outside, usually in the mid morning glow or in the twilight of the evening (especially at this time of year) .

Its usually all a bit hazy until I remember to wipe the sleet from or refocus my screen-eyes and then it’s usually not so hazy. That is unless its before 8am. If it is, I have to admit I'm sleep commuting with Chris Moyles and the team. Sleep commuting is a fine art, a kind of semicomatose street performace. The main difference is that unlike a mime, you don't move after someone throws money in your hat, that just comes involuntarily after the bus hits the brakes.

The characters involved are everyday folks like you and me. They're hurrying to and from work wishing the bus wasn't late and the traffic so heavy. The exceptions being tourists trying to find the tour bus, the alcoholics who hang around together near Tesco, sipping their Cider purchased earlier that morning, oh, and not forgetting the odd TV personality.

Amongst these regulars over the past couple of years I've been caught up and had to walk to work in a Marathon - twice. I've walked past Jeremy Paxman. I once saw Billy Connoly. I've had the misfortune to walk past the aftermath of many a road accident, usually with cars ending up upside down or at angles you can't imagine how they got into. I've seen my work colleague get whacked on the back of the head whilst on the pavement by a passing bus's wing mirror. On another occasion I was stood still waiting to cross the road as I saw a coach doing the opposite and taking off its large wing mirror and a considerable amount of the side of the body work on a temporary road sign. Glad I wasn't 10 seconds further down the street with that one. I've walked very quickly past a fair few people using the street as a toilet and I've also rubbernecked from the bus at people shooting scenes for TV shows.

So it came as no big surprise on Tuesday when on my travels home the police closed the road ahead.

At first it was just a couple of police officers who arrived in an unmarked car, got out on foot and held back the traffic. Shortly they were joined by a marked land rover with the big blue lights swirling. 4 or 5 minutes passed by as the traffic stood in the glow of the traffic lights going through the motions and the blue flashes from the police vehicle swirled around and around and around some more.
Then out of the blue and adding to the blue swirls, a police motorbike, then another, a few seconds pause, and then a lone ambulance followed by a police car and last but not least another motorbike.

I’ve no idea who or what was in the Ambulance. Hopefully if it was something being transported, all went well and if it was a person they lived happily ever after. But sure, it brought a bit of excitement to those of us sat waiting to see what was going to go past. With all the build up I was anticipating a Hummer with an American, UK or Irish VIP. All the while though I was secretly hoping for the top gear crew to come driving past in some half baked contraption. Shame :(

The fun news is that although it is hardly the biggest or most exciting event in the world or even in Belfast that day. I managed to catch my view of the action on very low quality video and can share the experience with you - good times!