Speed Dating.

My motorcycle and the neighbours' car went on a date last night but it didn't go too well.

They hadn't even finished their first course when the neighbours' car happened to bump into his ex-bike. By all accounts she was still fuming after he'd driven her around the bend for months and then one night just stood her up for no reason. Worse still, she hadn't been able to lower herself from her kickstand and it was a month before her rider found her. She'd rusted under her hood in places she didn't know existed. It turns out the neighbours' car was a jack addict and was getting his fix at an illegal garage in a nearby town. One night got so high that he just forgot all about her.

After hearing this, my motorcycle was not surprised when his ex, who was totally revved up at this stage, sped at him and knocked his lights out. His radiator malfunctioned and he was out cold.

My poor motorcycle fled there and then but unfortunately in her hurry, she ran over some of the debris on the floor and suffered a double puncture. Thankfully her friend who lived near by was on hand to escort her home.

The neighbours car did come over to the house in the early hours to try and patch things up, but by this point he was tanked up and talking out of his trunk. My motorcycle, bless her, she stood up for herself, shouted at him to "shove his tiny horn up his exhaust pipe" and threatened that she'd "run over his dipstick if he ever tried to park near her again". He kept on apologising but eventually, enough was enough, she turned and lowered the garage door.

Her last words to him before that door closed were " I'm just two tyred and feeling very let down.".

I know... I'll not be giving up my day job, my stand up comedy set will have to wait for another life.

Jesus and Satan start their blogs. Twist on a classic.

Jesus and Satan bump into one another in the afterlife and get talking about current trends on Earth. After debating the pro's and cons of social media they stumble into an an argument as to who would make the better blogger.

This goes on for quite some time until they come to an agreement to hold a contest on Earth with God as judge. Eager to get started and with an plethora of posts to pre-scedule from an eternity of existence they buy two identical servers, two identical laptops, sign up to the same service provider and get to work.

Their work goes on for the best part of a month. The Devil prepares an incredible 666 posts a day but Jesus manages to keep pace typing just 2 text posts and 5 photo posts, somehow this made 5000 posts in total every 4 days!

God could see both were neck and neck in quantity and quality of content approaching the end of the month. The contest was almost at it's end and they were so close to clicking the publish button they could feel the souls swarming to subscribe... but then suddenly, with no warning, they both recieved the blue screen of death! It was so close to the end that in the very next moment God announced that the contest was over.

God being merciful decided to bring the unrepairable laptops back to life but had to reformat the hard drive to do so. He then asked Satan to show his work. Fuelled with 'Blue screen of death' rage, Satan tries to connect to the server to pull back his 20,000 posts but it won't ping. He wailed: “God, I have nothing, the puny server has been compromised, not even the guts of a post, it's all gone.”

“That is unfortunate,” says God and then he turns and asks ”do you have anything Jesus?".

Jesus knowing the server has gone to binary heaven plugs in a dongle, makes a few clicks and presses a few keys, the internet signal bar turns green, he connects to his remote backup service and the greatest blog post that the world has ever known springs into view.

Satan cannot believe what he is seeing. Ravaged with fury he demands to know what just happened. "I lost it all, Jesus should have lost it all too".

Knowing God would not cheat him but also knowing he would not lie to him, he puts the question to his creator.

"How did he do it?”

God LOLs loudly, “Don't you know… Jesus saves.”

And now you know why Jesus has more followers.

(Sorry, I couldn't help myself!)