Saturday, 24 October 2009

Random Google searches - 'voluntary stalking'?

After another long week at work and with my fiancée at the other side of the Irish sea, enjoying her weekend long hen party with the girls. I’ve had plenty of time to watch random TV, and loiter on the t’interwebs. Ok, so maybe I’ve not had the most wholesome time, all I’ve managed to do is choose my transfers for the fantasy football, to play online scrabble and complete another inquisitive but slightly nerdy task, that of looking through the Google search queries for my blog. Bemusing myself with the odd things that this here blog has been located by in the several months I’ve been typing here. Ok so it’s not exactly everyone’s idea of a great start to the weekend but it gave me a giggle!

With Christina Martin - occasional writer and comedian - leading the way (at least in my realm of reading about random search results beyond Googlewhacking), I thought I’d share some of the more random Google searches that have found my blog. Before I start, I’ll warn you they’re not quite as bizarrely random and as wonderfully absurd as those Christina found. After all, ‘comedian more powerful than jesus’ and ‘goose costume sale’ are searches worthy of awards let alone finding a blog – well that, or at least worthy of an explanation by the original search author.

So here goes... the first that caught my eye:

‘camera above the royal mail in belfast‘

I wonder if they were hoping to find if they could use it or if they were being watched? Maybe they were just hoping to find out if someone’s doing something about those letters that grow legs and make a run for it?

‘how to become a captain of a ship in ireland’

Ah this makes more sense, well – maybe. If it was possibly the same person as the camera query, and that person was going to be looking out for an important letter - it could easily be their Master Mariner’s licence they were trying to keep their eyes peeled for. Avast me hearties, I’ll be understanding!

‘belfast and northern island street directory ‘

Shiver me timbers! No wonder they wanted to be Captain. There might be treasure to be had if we can but find our way around the Northern Island... best set sail for Rathlin on high tide! Whilst we wait, here are a few more...

‘funny contact lenses in northern Ireland’

that hopefully didn’t result in the following search...

‘tragic stories blogs northern ireland‘


‘bargain buys vans on ebay no mot ni county down ‘

hopefully wasn’t anything to do with...

‘northern ireland explosive’

Then there were some people seemingly searching for the more random...

‘natalie imbruglia looks like carol vorderman’ - this is vindication of sorts, I knew I wouldn’t be alone in thinking that! Here's the explaination about the doppelgangering.

‘europe easter egg for kings ‘ – probably a DVD related search but I like the thought of an Easter egg fit for a King. I bet it’s like those kinder eggs you can get that have the giant toy inside... if I was a king I’d like one of those... but bigger! And then there were my two favourites...

‘huge statue of a lady in a bed in ireland’

I’m intrigued.  Does anyone know what they might have been looking for? If there isn’t one, I implore someone with more money than sense to make this a reality! I suspect they were the most disappointed to only find my blog.

And my overall favourite but also the search results I least wish to appear in...

‘voluntary stalking’

Sometimes you have to wonder what people are really looking for or if they’re just typing into a search box for the fun of it. When someone types in voluntary stalking, whats going on in their mind? Do they want to be stalked or are they looking for a consenting victim or are they looking for examples of such phenomenon - hopefully its the latter.

P.S. I am not volunteering for being stalked - no matter how many ‘funny contact lenses’ or ‘bargain buy vans on ebay no mot’ you might find my blog with! You might tempt me with ‘a huge statue of a lady’ but she has to be in bed and both she and the bed have to be in Ireland. You can send this via royal mail, a captain might be along to pick it up in the next few years if it needs importing and we’ll have someone watching to make sure it arrives at the sorting office ok. If you can fit it inside a European Easter Egg suitable for a king that would be awesome. Cheers!


  1. Hi - sorry Leeds lost today, if only because it means Millwall won.

    "Huge statue of a lady in a bed in Ireland" - maybe they mean Dublin's floozie in a jacuzzi: It's a bath not a bed, but it's similar.

    How do you actually find out the google searches that have led to your blog?

  2. Ron Mueck's Woman in Bed isn't at the Ulster Museum by any chance. I haven't managed to get down yet, but I'm hoping to on Thursday.

  3. It was bound to happen sometime, Millwall are quickly becoming our bogey team, hopefully Charlton and Leeds can get back to the form from the start of the season asap. It's a tough league no matter how people play it down and no win is an easy win.

    Ah yeah, it could well be the floozie in the jacuzzi Brain! Or indeed as you say Leanne, something at the Ulster Museum, though the closest thing I can think of, that was there from the last time it was open, is the 'mummy' and it was quite small :( The search was a fair while back. Who knows! Do let me know if you find her!

    There are a couple of ways to find the search's that brought up your blog: Either activate/go to the Google Webmaster tools product within your Google account, then go into 'Your site on the web', then 'top search queries'.

    Or for more detailed/customisable reports, if you have Google Analytics enabled (it's just another of the free Google products you can enable within your Google account) head to 'traffic sources' then 'keywords'.

  4. this is quite funny! i'm going to check mine and see !
    thanks for dropping by my blog :)
    and congratulations for the upcoming wedding ^^
    to answer your question, yes. you can get around the island by bus. especially if you're on a budget, that the way to go.
    you're going to have a great time here! don't hesitate to send any other questions my way okay :)

  5. Many thanks Manju :)

    That’s great news; we like to use the local public transport (well I do anyway) when we're overseas. As well as usually being cheaper and more environmentally friendly, I find it adds a bit to the experience. Sitting in a taxi or a car and driving by everything is one thing, but hearing people chatting about everyday life and probably going the long route always seems to make us feel more like we've seen a place if we've time to spare.



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